You can say "No" with compassion and respect
“Being honest means never having to take a second bite of something you don’t like.” Martha Beck
Out of the mouths of babes can come the perfect boundary. Context? I suggested to a new-to-me twelve year old how great he would look sporting a gold earring, better, a diamond! Head shakes, averted eyes, strained smile. He was trying to accommodate the playful foster mother he had just inherited. One more attempt at touting the aesthetics of pierced jewelry, and he looked straight at me, and in a genuinely curious, courteous tone said “What part of ‘No Thank You’ don’t you understand?” Game called. I felt the perfection of a well-stated “no” in my core. Wow. Understand that he had a lot to risk: a safe home scene meant a place to grieve and grow. This is what the courage to reject looks like. To short circuit a tease is a huge challenge even for adults. Be prepared to face accusations of “poor sport” or worse. It equates to staring down a bully, declining a “plum” job, rebuffing a touch or suggestive comment. I was in my twenties before I told my own father in a similar tone, “Don’t ever say that word in my presence again.” I didn’t care what happened next. I could no longer simply roll my eyes and feel superior. From my early teens, I walked away from dinner, out of a room, stood up from the conversation when he used language that galled me. My shield was a righteous huff. Nothing changed. But looking him in the eye, and saying it straight, he knew I meant it. I was respectfully asking for his respect. Setting a boundary won’t always result in relationship improvement. The rejection is in the NO. The respect is in the “No, thank you.” We are not demeaning the whole person, just the specific behavior. “I was just teasing,” requires an essay unto itself. But the response? “I don’t like being teased in that way, and it will affect our relationship if you continue,” is adult-to-adult instruction on how you want to be treated. It might even work with toilet seats, being late, and scattered socks. Maybe not.
“You have a right to say no. Most of us have very weak and flaccid no muscles. We feel guilty for saying no. We get ostracized and challenged for saying no, so we forget it’s our choice. Your no muscle has to be built up to get to a place where you can say, ‘I don’t care if that’s what you want. I don’t want that.” Iyanla Vanzant
Is there a tease, a bully, or an unequal issue in a relationship you hesitate to challenge? We tolerate these way too often, try to turn them into a joke, but secretly complain to others about unfairness. It’s liberating to both parties when you look directly at another and say “Please hear me.” Why? Because “I mean it” must be followed with a consequence you can live with. If you cannot imagine risking a relationship to improve it? It’s not one worth having. Resentment kills love. As a grown up, you have the power to end any exchange that doesn’t work for you. A fabulous boyfriend once told me “You can always hang up. Phones have two ends for a reason.” Walk in the other room. Call an Uber when your new date is rude to the waiter. Practice being kind while asking for what you want instead of pretending to go along to get along. Know it will be awkward at first, but you can be the leader in how to do it better.
I recently had a long time friend tell me that she felt unseen, unimportant in our occasional exchanges. She was ready to call it quits. She had taken the time to imagine deleting me from her life, and could live with it. Of course I was stunned, ashamed, but her delivery was so gentle, clear, precise it was framed as an invitation to change. She was absolutely right, I was taking our relationship for granted, a serious lapse of empathy. I apologized, asked for more feedback, and the opportunity to do better was my reward. Being ready to walk away is a place of great power, a reminder that we are volunteering for whatever is being given to us unless we say STOP. The Universe favors honest relationships.
Epilogue: This is how my jokester dad handled my request over the next thirty years: He would announce, “Cynthia, you better leave the room” in a friendly tone when he was about to tell a crowd one of his jokes. That worked. Win-Win.
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