Codependency for One?

“The antidote for codependency is self-care.” Melody Beattie

I wish I could better heed the advice I give others. The more vociferous, the more it must apply to moi. Why, just this month in Mexico, I lectured (in Spanglish) the lovely, well-put together concierge. He revealed how he was anxious about going to the dentist. He admitted he wanted to seek more creative work. I leapt in with great ideas, even phone numbers and websites. Hypocrisy was raining down from my high caballo. To get the full picture, I was sitting in front of his desk, blistered from not using sunscreen, at the Equator, with dental and health issues galore, plus my unopened sketch pad waiting under the poolside umbrella. Whenever one finger is pointed, three aim at the true target. In my vocation I consistently fail in the struggle to not be bossy-pantsy. With friends and family, it’s worse. But what else can one do when a beloved complains of being stuck in a job, relationship, habit, mindset, past trauma, or untended debt? Psychoanalysis and compassionate listening mavens are adamant: listen, nod, give no direct advice, perhaps offer one brilliant insight-inducing question. Yeah, right…. Why is this so hard? It’s dependency at its finest to need someone to do better, feel better in order to be happier myself. Once I’m flooded with concern, I want them to seek ways to be healthier, more productive. Just a few tweaks, a phone call, take it one day at at time, and they will feel more self-love and confidence. The same things I long for myself. But change requires action, not words. I swear Melody Beattie plagiarized my journal to write Codependent No More. Her Cliff Notes version of “self-care” is to stop obsessing about others’ needs and problems and refocus on what is most important to us. My bet is that you already know a zillion ways to improve your own habits, health, and lifestyle. Maybe you’ve lived strong in them for long moments, even years, then mysteriously lapsed into the older mindset and can’t get back to what worked. I know this one, and always feel honored—and encouraged myself—whenever beloveds seek my support and guidance, because we need borrowed courage to try something new, or to find our way back. I’m working on it, and I know you are as well. See me nod, holding your potential gently, with no expectations. Remember, always, I love you just the way you are.

“To think that I know what’s best for anyone else, even in the name of love, is pure arrogance. It creates separation, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business.” Byron Katie

A simple (not easy) way to tend to yourself? Ask “What do I want, for me, right now?” Follow up with “What is stopping me?” The magic happens when we dare ask our own wise voices: “What ONE SMALL STEP can I take to begin?” WARNING: whenever we ask these questions, we will encounter the hesitant part(s) that are afraid and stuck in habits. Speak kindly to them. This is my current list of self-care:

· Slow down enough to ask what a scared/resistant part is feeling, needing.
· Stop thinking it selfish to not always prioritize the well-being of others.
· If I start to advise without permission, imagine those fingers pointing back.
· Know I cannot always take care of myself alone. Ask for support.
· Stop apologizing for being unavailable. “Nope” is a scary-fun word.
· Acknowledge physical or emotional pain without minimizing or exaggerating.
· Remember others have the right to resist my advice. More than likely it’s something I need to work on. (Oh, dear Gods and Goddesses, that list is sooo long)

We all have split selves, each with strong needs and justification to resist change. I myself have a one-gal-choir of conflicting voices. Impulsive Do it now is hampered by the Uber-responsible Planner. And Check Messages will not shut up, freaking out when Be Mindful turns off the phone. “Is it in the budget?” gets the final vote too often. I know they are all positively intended but it results in a logjam of impulse v. resistance. Self-care means listening to all these parts, then mustering their voices into harmonious permission to take any risk to become the gracious, calm and accepting being just waiting to unfold. I can imagine mine, have seen her in visualizations. Ready? Her days are filled with creative moments, awe, sprinkled with sacred pauses, engaged in fun and compassionate social connections. She’s mindful while writing, doing administrative chores, making coffee (never spills the beans), often with music playing. Joyfully advising others, she gently encourages them to believe in their dreams. She makes certain she walks her talk. When the day ends, she slips into elegant loungewear, phone off, ready to sketch, write, rest and read. She doesn’t bemoan her dwindling “one wild and precious life,” preferring to express gratitude, expand on talents, deepen friendships. Okay, okay… it’s a stretch. But I did just buy super-soft expensive bamboo pajamas. In red. I’ll put them on tonight and let you know how it goes.